Annoying Matthew

I think at my core, I’m quite an annoying person. At work I suppress it as much as I can, sometimes it slips out and I’ll start gabbling away at someone who is clearly busy or spread my stuff out over other peoples desks, but generally it’s kept contained and my colleagues can tolerate me… but I can’t be expected to be normal all the time. 

Behind closed doors, away from the rest of the world, my true self can come out to play and the one person that gets to experience the “best” of me is my poor, long suffering boyfriend.

Over the years with lived together I’ve done the following things to annoy him (some on a regular basis:

• Pretending to hit him
• Accidentally hitting him whilst pretending to hit him
• Actually hitting him in a ‘surprise attack’
• Pretending he hits me by cowering away from him in public places
• Pretending to be mentally disabled whilst we are out in public holding hands and he isn’t looking (I’m not proud of that one)
• Hiding from him with the intention of scaring him
• Coming from early from work just to hide from him, then falling asleep hidden and waking up two hours later and scaring the hell out of him.
• Hiding his things
• Broke his expensive keyboard by spilling water on it and not cleaning it up properly (this wasn’t on purpose, it was a combination of my clumsiness and laziness but it did really annoy him!)
• Peeling the fake wood coating off his desk
• Carving things on his desk where I have peeled the fake wood off (it’s a super shit desk though)
• Making scratching noises when we are going to sleep so he thinks there are mice in the bedroom.
• Taking the supports out from under our bed, propping it up with cardboard boxes and watching as he flops into bed and falls straight through. Then laughing manically at him for the rest of the night.
• Taking up the entire bed and insisting on having at least two of my limbs on him before I will sleep.
• Telling him that he has to wake me up in the morning and then kicking and screaming at him (literally) when he tries to.
• Pushing him off the bed but catching him before he hits the floor to see his ‘scared face’ (Written down that does make me seem like a bit of a psychopath)
• Accidentally dropping him whilst doing the above
• Turning music/TV up when he has asked me to turn it down (and vice versa)
• Getting in the way of the TV/screen when he is busy (I’m like a cat)
• Crawling along the floor on my belly so he doesn’t see me then making his computer chair go down (this is hardly ever worth the effort but it’s a classic)
• Unplugging the internet (this is only when I’m really angry with him)
• Getting him to teach me Photoshop just so I can make pictures of him as a monkey.
• Bidding on an (fake) engagement ring on his eBay account
• Telling him that a stock cube is a toffee and that the black bits in it are vanilla and letting him eat it.
• Chopping onions and then rubbing my hands on his eyes (this really wasn’t as cruel as it sounds and it was largely accidental)
• Telling him he has a big nose, then pressing it with my hand and shouting ‘HOOOOOONK!’
• Petting him like a dog
• Making a whole host of irritating noises (in his ear if possible)
• Going mental at him, apologizing for going mental then going mental again when he is still sore about it and doesn’t accept my apology immediately.
• Calling him a girl or implying he does things like a girl.
• Ordering him to do things constantly and then getting really self-righteous if he asks me to do something (“You’re not the boss of me!”)

There’s all the usual stuff as well like not turning lights off, not doing the washing up, promising to cook if he tidies up and then just ordering a takeaway, many things I’ve probably forgotten (and some that are too inane to share) and I’m sure even more that I’m not even aware of.

I thought I would feel really guilty about all the horrible things I have done (and occasionally I still do) to him laid out in one big list, but actually I feel almost a little bit proud. I do feel a little bit bad about some of the things I do. Mostly I’m annoying because I find it quite funny and if Matt can take it and still love me then it ok, right?

I’d even go as far as to say that he loves me because of it.

Although he insists that is in spite of it.