Why I hate cheek kissing.

I’m not a big fan of kissing anyone that isn’t my boyfriend or my immediate family (and even then it’s sketchy). I know its very European and fashionable to greet people with a kiss on the cheek, but I just don’t understand the appeal of smoshing your face against everyone you meet.

In fact as far a greetings go, I’d be happier if all physical contact was just left out of the picture. The occasionally hug is fine from a friend you haven’t seen in a while or your mum (you have to hug your mum), but someone you don’t know very well, or worse, a stranger, should not be allowed to touch just because you have said hello.  

Thankfully most people are normal and don’t feel the need to rub up against me at any given opportunity but in a way that makes it worse because I  am caught unaware when it does happen.

I’m still being haunted by the memory of my boss trying to kiss me at the Christmas party a few weeks ago (on the cheek, this isn’t that kind of story). I’d forgotten the social face-smoshing obligations so when my boss leaned in towards my face I was caught off guard so instead of kissing her on the cheek I recoiled in horror.

She had to ask me to kiss her before I fell over backwards. Instead being socially acceptable and making a good impression on my boss, I’d stared at her, disgusted, like she was waving excrement in my face.

Even worse is the double kiss. I’ll be so proud of myself for being a proper human and responding appropriately that I’ll fail to notice that the other person has swung round for another go and not move my head. This can lead to some awkward situations.

It’s always really heavily perfumed women that want to kiss you. They drag you closer and press themselves against you, like they think the purpose of perfume is to gas other people with it.

Alternatively you’ll bump into someone you haven’t seen in ages and due to a series of unfortunate events you’ll be at your most smelly and disgusting. As they lean in you know they can smell you and they definitely are thinking that you a vile and repulsive tramp.

You might think that I would prefer air kissing. It avoids all the smell and touching issues I have. Unfortunately though it makes you look like a twat.